Blame is something I think we jump to first when something negative, uncomfortable, or tragic happens. I think it's one way we try to make sense of a situation. Having something or someone to blame helps our brains make sense of what we've experienced either directly or indirectly, but often at the expense of truth and reality. We see it every day in the court of public opinion. We react and judge and blame with little context, without all of the details, and often only with the details others want us to know or are willing to provide. Recently I've read autobiographies of a couple of celebrities that are my age. I remember judging them pretty harshly as a teenager, and after hearing their stories I wish I hadn't done so. I wish I had more readily considered what might be going on in their lives. Even if I was way off, it is hard to be judgmental, to blame, and to have compassion at the same time. Noticing this has made it more clear how important it is to tell our stories, share our experiences, and break free of the fear of judgment and blame.
When a sweet baby is born with Down Syndrome, or diagnosed en utero, one of the first things we may turn to is blame. We may blame ourselves as mothers for our babies having something "wrong" with them. Our partners may blame us. Our families may blame us. Society may blame us. If not blame, they may judge because the societal understanding of Down Syndrome is that babies are born only to "older" mothers. That's what I used to think too.
Blame? How? Statistics. According to the Minnesota Department of Health, the risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome increases with the mother's age. When a mom is 25, the risk is about 1 in 1250. When she reaches 31, the risk is 1 in 1,000. When she is 35 years old, the risk is 1 in 400. By the time she reaches 40, the risk is 1 in 100. The stats vary a bit depending on where you look. More than half, some sources say as much as 80% of babies born with Trisomy21 are born to mothers under the age of 35. The risks definitely increase, but clearly age is not the only factor and science is noticing. We are learning.
I was 39 when I got pregnant with Evie, 40 when she was born. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel some guilt for "causing" the Trisomy21 because of my age when she was conceived. Was I selfish in trying so hard for a baby once I hit that lovely "advanced maternal age" point in life? I can honestly say that the self-blame was very short-lived. I quickly realized that there is nothing to blame. Why? Because there is no tragedy. Evie's existence isn't negative. It isn't unworthy. It isn't anything bad. My Evelynn's life is beautiful. She is pure joy and sunshine and has been the catalyst for so many exciting changes in my life and our life together as a family. She is a human being with the emotions of any other toddler and person. We do and will have tougher times and parenting a child with special needs isn't always easy. Parenting my typical son isn't always easy (hello, puberty). I can't say it loud enough though, there is no one to blame. There is only unconditional love.
Related Posts
