Living for Them

I was speaking with a lady I'd just met the other day, and she commented "we only have to get our kids to age 18!" Since we'd just met, I didn't feel the need to really dive into my thought process on that, or why I have no expectation of that in my life. I just laughed along with her and continued chatting until we went our separate ways.

It's hard to know exactly where to begin on this topic. I have so many thoughts.

I never really expected or even considered experiencing a lessening in responsibilities of parenthood because either of my children became legal "adults." I know parenting changes at each stage of development, but it is every really over? Nope. Does it lessen in day-to-day responsibilities? Yeah I think so in many cases. I don't have the slightest clue how old Ben will be when he moves out on his own. I don't know that Evie ever will, though I am choosing to presume competence and ability to do so at some point, I am also consciously allowing for flexibility in almost every aspect of life since she came along.

I know that my parents have always been there to help me when I need them. At 42, I definitely don't call upon them for help or advice as often as I did at 22. When I do, it is also for very different things. They've told me little tidbits over the years about how this change in being needed felt to them. I imagine it being hard for me at times, and trying like they did to figure out ways to still feel needed and be able to provide support to my kids later in life. I find myself wanting to do that now with Ben. He is such an independent guy already, and so capable of day-to-day tasks. I have to remind myself regularly that I want both of my kids to feel like capable adults with healthy self-worth and willingness to face challenges head-on. Hopefully better at allowing failure to be part of their learning process than I have in my own life. I know that in order to help them build that, I have to allow them to not need me in the same ways. Ugh! Motherhood is such a wild ride!

I've known myself and others to say "I'd die for my kids." No question there. I want them to live long after I go. Then comes to other comment: "But do you live for them?" That is the question I am asking myself a lot these days. It's becoming a mantra of sorts, a way to check myself in the moment and long-term. Having Evie is bringing that to the forefront even more because who knows whether she'll be able to live on her own at some point. The longer I am around, the longer I can help her live her life to the fullest by giving her the support she needs from me. Not that someone else couldn't do so, but if I'm honest, Rob and I are my first choice when it comes to taking care of our kids.

Do I live for them? I think that question can be read and answered in so many different ways. I read that question and ask myself if I am living my life in such a way that shows them how to live their own lives. Does the way I'm living my life create the memories I hope they will carry with them when I'm gone? Does the way I'm living my life give me more time with them? Am I surrounding myself with people who add to my life instead of only taking from it? Does it help me stay healthier so I'm around longer? I know there are no guarantees, but am I making the efforts to truly live for them?

There are many things I do, and many I don't do but know I should. I have chased my dreams and made goals that I have achieved. I've pushed through so many challenges to meet those goals, sometimes with a significant cost mentally and physically. The mental and emotional stress I have felt over the last almost 16 years definitely took a toll on me. The physical toll is immediately noticeable.

Over the years I've done a lot of work on myself in different ways. I'm a BIG believer in therapy. It would be terrible if I didn't, since I am a therapist. I've gone to therapy multiple times in my life to help me deal with a variety of things and work on myself. I've simplified my life in some ways, which I know helps me clear my head. I'm actively trying to find the source of my sleep issues because sleep affects EVERYTHING else. I'm exercising at least 4 days a week. Yoga, pilates, walking, and as of yesterday, paddleboarding are my current favorites.

Aside from taking better care of myself and achieving goals, living for them also means getting out of my comfort zone. Experiencing new things, new people, new places. Intentionally learning new skills and strengthening old ones. Why can't I bake a cake that is a 3D model of a F-22 Raptor for Ben's birthday? Yeah... I did that. Turned out pretty good actually. Since my family has settled into living in Hawai'i in their own ways, I feel the need to create more for myself. There are a variety of new skills that I am interested in and slowly learning about.

There are things Rob and I have done in the past that we are continuing to improve upon. One such thing is meal prep. I know, that sounds silly but hear me out. We meal prep for a week or two at a time, and each spend a few hours making food for the family. This gives us 1-2 weeks of food that needs only to be heated or cooked in the slow cooker or airfryer. It frees up time in the evenings and on weekends so we can do quick paddle-boarding/kayaking trips down the river at 5pm in January before dark. Evie does great in a kayak, and Ben can paddle-board circles around Rob and I. Maybe we take a walk along the beach as a family for an hour in the late afternoon, or play a few rounds of Uno Attack or Trouble on a rainy day. All of these things and more are possible, at least in part, because of this one thing we've committed to doing.

From time to time I hear people say, "I'm too old too..." or "I wish I had done that when I was younger...". Sometimes the people that make these comments are younger than me. Even if they aren't, I'm the first one to say "Why can't you do it now?" Why can't you learn a new skill now? Why can't you travel now? Why can't you start working on yourself now? Why can't you start taking care of yourself now? Why can't you set new boundaries now? The list goes on and on. I challenge myself there too, which I can honestly report has pushed me toward some really cool new experiences.

In my mind, living for your kids doesn't mean your life revolves only around them. That's not living, in my opinion. Living for your kids means living a life that is full. Full of creativity, challenges, struggles, and successes. All of these things are defined in unique ways for each of us. I encourage anyone reading this to live. LIVE for your kids. LIVE for you. Life doesn't stop at parenthood. Life doesn't stop because our situations change or we age. I recently spoke to someone rapidly approaching retirement. She said she heard something like, "you're retiring from your job, not from your life!" What a mic-drop moment.

I'll ask you what I ask myself as needed...

What are you willing to do?

What are you unwilling to do?

What are you willing to accept?

What are you not willing to accept?

What are you willing to put up with?

What are you not willing to put up with?"

For me, these questions force personal responsibility and accountability. When we take responsibility and accountability for ourselves and living our lives, incredible things happen.

I expect that there will be days I will require a reminder to live for them. I will need the push to challenge my excuses and push past negative expectations. I will need to find creative ways to get over life's speed-bumps and roadblocks, and figure out how to fly when I really just wanted to drive.

I took a cupcake decorating class last summer - by myself. It was so much fun! Definitely something I wouldn't have been willing to go to alone before.