When I look at this picture, I want so badly to run into that room, wrap my arms around them, gush over Evie, and tell them that not only was she going to be okay, but she was going to be healthy, happy, and one of the greatest sources of joy they would ever know. I tear up every time I look at this picture, because the feelings we felt that night were so intense. So much fear, so much love. It was both the most terrifying and one of the happiest days of my life.
I want to hold Ben and tell him that he's going to be so loved by Evie, and he will make a wonderful brother. I want to hug Rob so tight and tell him he is doing everything right and both of his girls and son will be just fine.
I'm going to talk to myself here...
Stefanie: I want to look you in the eyes and cry with you, but not out of fear, but out of the reality that your baby girl will be okay and you will too. Your baby girl's heart won't stop pumping tonight. Your little Evie won't even need surgery! You won't drown her when trying to feed her. You won't mess up and place the NG tube into her lungs instead of her stomach. You won't feel this terrified, anxious, and out of control for long. You have so much support around you, and you are about to find out just how much.
I want to tell you and Rob that yes, you will dream and joke about taking that pulse-ox monitor out in the country and using it as skeet. It will go off constantly, and it will always be because a little foot moved just so, or it's suddenly not sticking right, or something other than Evie's actual oxygen rate dropping. Nope, you won't sleep for weeks. You'll be constantly waking up to feed her (Haha wait... dare I suggest you do sleep now and then), checking her monitor and the connection to her foot, making sure you're putting milk in the feeding pump and not coffee (relax, it's a joke. Didn't happen). You'll both be tired enough though, but you won't make coffee in the middle of the night, so you're good there.
Just wait until you discover GelMix. Ugh. What a pain but it also helps your tiny Evie learn how to drink from a bottle. It helps to make her stronger so she can nurse easily too. In fact, at 21 months she still loves some "milks" and the GelMix stopped being a necessary thing one year ago.
You need to accept the fact that she will look amazing in pink. All that effort you put into getting as little pink as possible will backfire. It's her color. Just get used to it. One day, you'll decide to get a pink phone case too. Yep. You will. Wanna bet on it? She also shines like the sun in yellow. So you'll seek out yellow outfits, and the pink ones too.
I want to tell you that yes, people will stare at you the first time you go out to eat. Ben chose Golden Corral of all places. You had to plug Evie's monitor into the wall outlet because both of you forgot to charge that damn thing earlier. One couple will stare at you as if you're the worst mother in the history of the world, and you'll nearly break down crying. You'll struggle to eat and will desperately want to feel normal. Your parents will be there with you, but you will not be able to focus on enjoying the time because you're so anxious. You don't need to be though, you two will make it work. You'll find the outlet. You'll never forget to charge the monitor again. See? It's all good. There will also be an older couple there who will gush over her and tell you how beautiful your babies are and cheer you on. The lady will tell you that Evie will bring you so much joy. She is so very right.
I want you to know that Ben will show his little sister off to everyone he sees, and do so with swelling pride. He will tell them what her oxygen cannula is for, what the NG tube does, and why she needs them. He will build a bridge between the rest of the world and his little sister, just by talking about it so openly. You'll be amazed by him, Stefanie. He'll truly demonstrate kindness, acceptance, and the purest love you can possibly imagine.
I want you to look down at that sweet little red face and realize that she is chill as can be. Not just because she's sleeping, but because she KNOWS she'll be okay. I'm telling you. This girl will tell you that so many times in the coming months. Trust her. She's got this. She's got you. She's got Rob. She's got Ben.
I also want you to know that though your loved ones will support you in every way they can, they won't understand this new life like you will. They won't understand the never-ending uncertainty of what Evie's life may look like one day. There's always uncertainty, but it is just different when you add that extra special 47th chromosome to the mix. It's okay that they don't. You already know another Mama with a special girl and she will turn into a cheerleader who gets it and can support you in a way you will wish you had been able to do for her when her daughter was born. You'll meet a Mama who will be new to the Lucky Few several months after Evie was born. You will find a kinship with her and you'll both dream of the day you can finally meet and get your girls together. You'll do video calls with your girls and watch them exchange big tongue-out baby kisses. You'll meet lots of Moms and Dads with their Extra Chromie Homies and feel a love and appreciation you never imagined. One of your friends works in the pediatrician's office. You'll hear her yell "My baby's here!" every time you bring Evie in. Or maybe you'll hear her coworkers tell her that "her baby" is here. It will make you smile because you'll see her love your girl so hard. You'll have so much support from your family, from your closest friends, and from random people you never imagined would become important to you.
You and Rob will do what you always do... you'll find a way. You will find a way to make a crazy big move across an ocean to give your little girl an easier time, to give your sweetest boy some life-changing experiences and a love of the ocean. You'll grow in your faith, in your marriage, and most importantly, you'll grow. Your priorities are going to change drastically. Maybe not the list of priorities, but you'll change how you manage them. You'll even start taking care of yourself. Yep. It's true!
I wish I could go back to that day and say these things to you, to them. I would snuggle that baby close and tell her "I know you've got this, Evie. Your family loves you and they'll figure it out soon enough."
You're all going to be okay. I promise.
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