"Do you wanna have her today or tomorrow?"

On St. Patrick's Day of 2022, I went in for my weekly check-in with my OB. At this point, we were expecting our girl at the end of the month with a planned c-section. The week prior all had been great. My blood pressure was normal and all signs pointed towards our girl was growing and healthy.

Rob was flying all day, and seeing no concerns I went to the appointment by myself. After all, weekly blood pressure checks didn't amount to much and it seemed excessive to have him take off for them every week. My husband is a helicopter pilot and was an instructor at the time. He loves to fly and be around other pilots. We had no clue how important this particular aspect of our lives was about to become.

My blood pressure was high. Really high. Normally I can feel it when I'm really stressed, but I really didn't notice it that day. I worked as a therapist with adolescent girls with complex mental health and substance use disorders at the time. Stress was part of the job, and I cared deeply about my clients. I had been slowly tapering down my caseload for several weeks at that point, preparing for maternity leave. So I was kind of in that in-between spot mentally of still having a lot of work in front of me but also knowing that I'd be taking a break (at least from that) in a couple more weeks. So I was surprised to learn how high my blood pressure was that day.

I was sent back to labor and delivery to be hooked up to a fetal monitor to see if Evie was okay and see if my blood pressure would come down. I did my best to relax and oddly felt fairly relaxed other than thinking "holy cow, she may come early!" I sent my husband a text to keep him updated, trying my best to sound calm so as not to risk him getting freaked out while flying. Yeah I prefer him in one piece and upright after every flight. When he landed he called me and said he saw my text and headed directly back to the airport as fast as they could. He arrived as I was back in my OB's office, getting ready to find out the next steps. My doc said I met 2 out of 3 criteria for pre-eclampsia, and since I was 37 weeks and 1 day, it was safe to bring Evie into the world earlier than planned. He said, "So do you wanna have her today or tomorrow?"

I felt so uncertain at that moment that I looked to Rob. It's kind of a blur at this point, but I remember that we decided to wait one more day so we could make sure our then 9 year old was taken care of and as ready as we could make him.

I left the hospital with strict orders to go home and relax so that my blood pressure wouldn't worsen. Before I could do that though, I had to lose it. I had to cry, freak out, and let all of the emotions out that I had kept locked down during the hours I spent at the hospital that morning. I know, I should've been letting them out. I was very pregnant, no one would've cared. In my efforts to be calm, I buried them. It wasn't my conscious thoughts and present awareness in charge at that point as much as it was my ability to compartmentalize and get the job done. If you work in the mental health field long enough, you learn that your stuff has to be put on hold at times so that you can help your clients in each session. Although, I may have learned that skill a long time before that. In the military, perhaps? Who knows? The point is that I have that skill and it is well-honed by now, for better or worse.

I called my parents and cried as I told them that Evie was coming and why. They did their best to calm me down, too. I headed straight for work. I let my boss know, my clients know, and got a few things out of my office. I was proud of myself though, I'd made it clear that I would not be working during my maternity leave, and wouldn't be easing that boundary at all. To this day, I'm so glad I set and maintained that boundary. What was coming was going to put me in survival mode, and there is nothing I could have done for my clients in that space.

Once I got home, and had a few minutes to sit with the idea of meeting our beautiful Evelynn tomorrow, I started to feel happy and excited. "It's time to really hold you, my girl. I can't wait to see your beautiful face and kiss you."