I don't remember what day I finally realized it, but I believe to my core that Evelynn knew she would be okay. She knew when I was scared and needing hope. She knew how to show me.
There were moments in the NICU when I was just at a loss. Maybe it was after an attempted nursing session (with the feeding/swallowing expert present) did not go well. Maybe it was when the date of us busting out got pushed back. Maybe it was when she didn't tolerate her oxygen dosage being reduced. Maybe it was when I missed Rob and Ben so much. Maybe it was when I listened to the cries of other babies or saw other families coming to the NICU. Watching other families finally get to leave. There were so many moments when I felt my hope dwindle even just a little bit.
In those moments, something would happen between Evie and I. She'd look at me a certain way. You know how people say the eyes are the window to the soul? Well, I believe Evie could see into my soul and then some. When she looked into my eyes, and I looked into hers, I always felt this calm. This peace. This moment of recognition that she was going to be okay.
There was a time when we had been home for a while. She was still struggling so much with feeding and swallowing that the specialists said we needed to feed her only through her ng tube for the next month so she can get stronger. I was devastated because that meant that, other than pumping, our breastfeeding journey ended before it really got to start. For about three weeks she had a meal through her tube every couple of hours. I still pumped. I wanted her to get my milk in any way she could. It was really tough though because I made just enough, never more than she needed. So I had to pump a ton. It was so mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing. For my girl though, I'd do anything.
One day I was snuggling her as Rob prepped a feed for her. She turned her head to my breast and started rooting around. I called Rob over and together we decided to see what she would do. She latched on! She started nursing. We couldn't believe it. I was so happy I cried. I had to watch her closely and look for any signs of stress. I did have to help her take a few breaks. She only nursed off and on for a couple of minutes, but what progress! I couldn't believe she wanted to nurse after so long without it!
The next appointment we had with the speech language pathologist (believe it or not, feeding and swallowing is part of that), we showed her. She said Evie was doing great! We continued ng tube feeds, but adjusted the amount based on the amount of time she actively nursed. She started so small, with as little as one minute of actual nursing. As she got stronger, she made it to full feeds! We're talkin' milk-coma feeds. You know the ones? Where they look drunk and almost asleep, with just tiny little slits for eye openings? Yep, those!
Our last appointment in June was a virtual check in with the SLC feeding and swallowing specialists. They told us that everything was looking good. We could pick a day in July to stop tube feeds and see how it goes. We decided we would start Monday, July 4th because... what better way to celebrate independence from a feeding pump than Independence Day? Our girl had other plans though. On July 1st she reached up with that little hand and yanked her tube out. Well, okay my girl. Here we go. We've never looked back. She's gone without a feeding tube since that day.
Here we are, she is nearly 21 months old, and still nursing like a champ. Not as often since she eats literally everything we put in front of her. Not a joke. There is nothing our girl won't eat. I realize this could change as she develops her tastes and they change over time, but I'll enjoy it while we have it!
Rob and I are not very religious people, but we do believe in God. I was raised in the Catholic Church, and Rob was baptized Catholic as an adult. We were married by a Catholic priest in the beautiful Dallas Arboretum. That same priest then baptized Ben when he was about a month old in his church in Rockwall, Texas. When Evie was born, the baptism plan was put on hold for a while. We finally reached out to now Bishop Bell and asked if he would be willing to make the trip to Utah to baptize her. He didn't even hesitate. He flew in as well as my aunt from Germany and family from different states.
Bishop Bell had suggested baptizing Evelynn in the mountains, knowing that is where I felt the most connected to God. It's true. There is something so inspiring about being high in the mountains that brings me so much joy and peace and connection. We chose a lookout at Cedar Breaks National Monument. We journeyed up there on August 27th, early enough to hopefully beat the tourist traffic. All the way there it rained. There was a storm system moving directly towards the spot we intended to hold the ceremony. "Great" I remember thinking. All of these people and now rain.
Have I mentioned that I think Evie knows things? I truly believe children have a special connection with God. Many have told me that extra special children have extra special connections to Him. I cannot argue with that. It wasn't raining, yet when we arrived at the overlook. Some of our Utah framily was already there. We had quite the crowd.
Rob's aunt and uncle were to become Evelynn's Godparents. I could describe to you what happened next, as the storm clouds drew closer and closer, but I think the way Bishop Bell described it was perfect.
"Oh, what an honor, pleasure, and blessing it is to have the vocation that God called me to. Five minutes earlier the sky was gray, cloudy, and cold and as this child was welcomed into the Body of Christ, there was a loud crash of thunder and the skies instantly turned blue and the sun (Son) shone down on us. There was not a person present that questioned who had visited us. There is a little girl named Evelynn that will forever have a place in my life as we have had an undeniable encounter with God."
Through all of these times, I've learned to trust her and to trust myself with her. Our connection is undeniable. We can read each other so easily. She does not speak yet, other than saying "Mamamamama" or "Dadadadada" but we understand her. She understands us. It's truly beautiful. It's a truly precious gift. I am forever grateful for her, her knowledge that she's got this, and the trust within myself that has been repaired and strengthened immeasurably.
"God does not give special kids to special parents. He takes ordinary, imperfect people, and gifts them with his greatest treasures. And therein, he creates special parents."~ Author Unknown
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